Hey, thank you for caring, it’s a complete rarity. Unfortunately they are not. I’ve saw a further jump up in the severity of my illness this past month and it feels like it’s only a matter of time before I’m dead. The only things keeping me alive are guilt and fear. Guilt of what it would do to my Mother, and fear of death.
I hope to find the courage to commit suicide in the near future.
I hope for a lot of things though. None of them ever happen.
Wooden, robotic, or whatever you want to call it, is exactly how I feel around people these days. I once heard someone say that depression made them feel like their personality had been replaced with a block of cement, and I couldn’t agree more. I feel like I barely have any personality whatsoever and that a lot of the stuff I do/say is purely coming from some kind of mental muscle memory of who I used to be.
The majority of the time I’m in people’s company, I’m barely there, which I don’t like saying, but it’s true. I find it exceptionally hard to socialise in any meaningful way. So much of my resources are taken up by illness related stuff that there’s very little left to function. Think of it like a computer. When a computer’s processor is under extremely heavy load, any other task you try to do slows to a crawl, the machine stutters along with drastically reduced performance and in some instances, it completely locks up. This is why I’ll often zone out, become extremely quiet and not say anything. My mind is elsewhere and I’m actively trying to fight off horrible thoughts and feelings. I’ve also found that I stutter and splutter my way through sentences a lot now, sometimes mispronouncing words or saying them in the wrong order. Not that I’ve ever been a great speaker but It’s something I’ve noticed and it makes me feel dumb and like I can’t express myself with any degree of eloquence.
There is something incredibly damaging about putting forward a version of yourself you are this unhappy with. I’ve already talked about the physical appearance side of that on this blog, but the same is true for you as a person. When you feel like an unbelievably uninteresting person with nothing to say and no personality to inject into a social situation, you come away from said situation feeling like you’ve tainted what people think of you. You feel like you have projected a false version of yourself and become extremely worried that people take that version of you and align it with you forever. It’s even worse when it comes to meeting someone new. Failed first impressions.
To be blunt, I don’t enjoy being with people, even people I love, it doesn’t matter how amazing they are. I loathe saying that, but it’s the truth. What people need to understand is that it’s got absolutely nothing to do with them, and everything to do with me. If you wonder why I still try to socialise when I feel this way, it’s because forging relationships, connecting with people and sharing things with them means so much to me, that’s the good stuff, you know? Beyond that, it’s the key to improving my exceptionally low quality of life and, indeed, what life I have left.
Lately I’ve become increasingly impulsive in terms of wanting to speak to people I would like to get to know better, usually girls, which isn’t to say it’s with the aim of making something beyond friendship happen, but rather that I would like to interact with them more than the odd exchange here and there. I’d also really like more female friends, I’ve never really had many. I miss their perspective and the things they offer that differ from that of a male friend.
Unfortunately, having a one on one conversation with someone who’s not a extremely close friend seems to be an impossibility for me now because there’s absolutely nowhere for the conversation to go that isn’t about my illness, everything is linked to it. It isn’t a part of my life, it is my life. This is no more evident than with the conversations I try to have on Facebook (or any other form of communication that isn’t in person). I can’t answer questions like “How are you?” or “What have you been up to?” because the answers to those are some form of “fucking horrific and I want to die” and “being ravaged by a brutal illness and trying not to kill myself”. Sure, I could skirt around those questions giving very vague answers, but those answers are evasive and boring, plus you can only do that for so long. More importantly, it’s lying by omission, and that to me still feels like lying, so it’s not an option. I’ve learned that people really don’t like me talking about my situation. I mean, I don’t either, but that’s what my life is, so I’m open and honest about it and talk about it freely. Feel free to ask me a question and I’ll link it back to my illness to show you how there is literally no way to avoid it.
I don’t want this next part to seem like I’m angry at the people this relates to, I’m not, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t another massive drain on my confidence, it’s devastating in all honesty. The conversations I attempt to have with people on Facebook (again, the same goes for all other similar types of communication) always end before they even get started, if they even get started at all. They always end with me. I’ll ask questions and do my best to engage with the other person to try keep it going but people just don’t reply. Sometimes I think I’m getting somewhere and that the person is interested in talking to me but after about 2-3 messages it stops and after a day or two has passed I know I’m not hearing from them again. It’s grimly predictable and more than that it’s extremely telling. It tells me how astonishingly little these people think of me. That’s not what they will say, but it’s what their actions say. Believe me when I say I do everything to make excuses for it, “maybe they are busy with work”, “don’t worry, Steve, it’s just slipped their minds, it doesn’t mean anything”. The truth is though it does mean something. Understand that my brain picks up on patterns effortlessly, and the patterns here repeat over and over. It’s not just isolated incidences, and often it happens numerous times with the same person. When you put this into the context of the bigger picture, where people’s complete lack of interest in me is a persistent and invasive theme that i can’t seem to escape, it’s impossible to ignore. It’s something I’m really tired of and a big part of me wants answers. Still, I continue to put myself out there in the ways that I can, knowing full well how it will turn out, which is a truly special kind of self-destructiveness. I know I’m not much and that interacting with me is probably an absolute chore, but I wish these people knew the risks I’m taking to reach out to them because maybe then they would understand just how much I think of them.
Again, this is a declaration of fact, not a passive aggressive dig at anyone. I like these people, they are lovely, I just needed to write about it purely because it feels like another nail in the coffin for me. There is nothing worse than feeling that despite your best efforts, you can’t affect any sort of change to your situation, even something as small as having a conversation with someone you see value in knowing.