I think I’ll be saying goodbye to Tumblr. This place brings me nothing but absolute misery and acts as a conductor for all the worst parts of my depression. There’s no point in me sharing stuff as people are much more concerned about who’s posting, rather than what’s being posted. Tumblr tries to make out it’s this open, loving community, when in reality if you’re someone like me (universally disliked, always ignored, not considered attractive, interesting, funny etc) then I think it’s a truly horrible place, well, it is for me at least. I know that I could post the best photography, the finest piece of music, or the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen and nobody would care, because it’s me. There’s too many instances of this type of thing for there not to be something in it. Maybe I’m not actively disliked, maybe it’s a subconscious thing, but other than a small number of people I’ve known for years, nobody wants anything to do with me. I’m also well aware that this post will only further any/all negatives thoughts and feelings people have for me, because people’s interpretations of the things you do and say tend to be greatly influenced by the type of factors that I mentioned above and they will find a way to interpret your actions in a way that suits their already set in stone beliefs and opinions.
There’s a few sticking points, though. I don’t deal well with permanence, I often reference my old posts on here as my memory can be terrible, and I’ll have nowhere to write this exact type of post.
Somebody just make the decision for me, please? I’m tired.
It’s all futile really, as all I’m doing is skirting around the real issue here, and that’s that I want to kill myself but I can’t because of my Mother. When the time comes that she’s not around, I’ll be gone immediately after, that much I know. The thought of her finding me is the only one keeping me alive.
I have a new website for my photo and video work. Please have a look if you can.
“It’s not nice to laugh at someone who’s not all there. It’s the same type of freak-show distraction that comes along every time a mighty empire starts collapsing. “American Superstarz” is the new colosseum and I won’t participate in watching a show where the weak are torn apart every week for our entertainment. I’m done, really, everything is so “cool” now. I just want it all to stop. I mean, nobody talks about anything anymore. They just regurgitate everything they see on TV, or hear on the radio or watch on the web. When was the last time you had a real conversation with someone without somebody texting or looking at a screen or a monitor over your head? You know, a conversation about something that wasn’t celebrities, gossip, sports, or pop politics. You know, something important or something personal.”
Well aware I’m posting this online and essentially “regurgitating” it but I’m willing to take that hit for a rant that I feel is so full of truth. I fucking wish people actually showed more of themselves.
“The sound of my own voice keeps me from falling asleep. Signals motion me under but inside something is trying to speak.”
Dear Internet, please don’t ruin Jennifer Lawrence for me by completely overdoing it. You ruin enough things as it is.
Telling a story like this in front of an audience takes fucking balls.
Didn’t manage to get a shot I really liked tonight. This is probably the best one. Disappointing but it was way too cold and I couldn’t feel my hands. I always forget how time consuming and challenging long exposure night photography can be. You’re constantly taking guesses on composition/focus/exposure. You can be there an hour and only have a handful of poorly composed/focused/exposed images to show for it. I think I’ll have to go back again sometime and try again.
Currently fucking freezing taking pictures of Barns Ness lighthouse. Not got a shot I really like yet.
22 plays
I love Heartsounds.
Turns out the Joker is a homophobe, and a really dumb one at that.
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Steven
27
Scotland
90% illness.
10% me.
