I think I’ll be saying goodbye to Tumblr. This place brings me nothing but absolute misery and acts as a conductor for all the worst parts of my depression. There’s no point in me sharing stuff as people are much more concerned about who’s posting, rather than what’s being posted. Tumblr tries to make out it’s this open, loving community, when in reality if you’re someone like me (universally disliked, always ignored, not considered attractive, interesting, funny etc) then I think it’s a truly horrible place, well, it is for me at least. I know that I could post the best photography, the finest piece of music, or the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen and nobody would care, because it’s me. There’s too many instances of this type of thing for there not to be something in it. Maybe I’m not actively disliked, maybe it’s a subconscious thing, but other than a small number of people I’ve known for years, nobody wants anything to do with me. I’m also well aware that this post will only further any/all negatives thoughts and feelings people have for me, because people’s interpretations of the things you do and say tend to be greatly influenced by the type of factors that I mentioned above and they will find a way to interpret your actions in a way that suits their already set in stone beliefs and opinions.
There’s a few sticking points, though. I don’t deal well with permanence, I often reference my old posts on here as my memory can be terrible, and I’ll have nowhere to write this exact type of post.
Somebody just make the decision for me, please? I’m tired.
It’s all futile really, as all I’m doing is skirting around the real issue here, and that’s that I want to kill myself but I can’t because of my Mother. When the time comes that she’s not around, I’ll be gone immediately after, that much I know. The thought of her finding me is the only one keeping me alive.
Dear Internet, please don’t ruin Jennifer Lawrence for me by completely overdoing it. You ruin enough things as it is.